Internal Conflict

Our training at a big time hospital here has just started. The training program is just awesome when you look at it. Well, as for the title, read more about it here.

As our training days had just started, I just had this feeling of regret on why I took up Nursing. I know that a lot of people here in the Philippines have been forced to take up the said course. But in my case, I had no option but just to take up college with whatever course there is available. I share to you guys about my life. Right after graduation from high school, I never wanted to go to college, I wanted to work. Which my mom arguably denied me of my request. So I got forced into taking up any random four year course in whatever college there is that was still accepting enrollees. I got myself into a nursing school that has some really big name throughout the country and maybe even in other countries.

During the entrance exam, I just filled up the forms and answered there was to answer. Pretty much easily answered the exam as I always do. When the part that we were supposed to write what program we were gonna take, I just hard some very hard time answering. I didn’t know what to choose. I took a peak at the paper of  a nearby examinee and found the word “BSN” or was it “nursing”. Got myself passed the exams and enrolled in the program.

Now that I’m a registered nurse of the Philippines, I somehow find myself confused with what to do with my life. I don’t want to practice nursing. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to save lives, help people or care for the sick. I do, I really want to help but not this way. If you want to ask how I want to help, I can’t answer that right now. Lost at this stage of life but I know everything will be okay. God is there for me and I know He has a purpose for me.

Even its just the start of the training program, I am typically having a hard time getting back to my “nursing” life. I don’t feel it anymore. As much as I want to help those in the wards, I really don’t know how to assist them anymore.

I wish we could just jump directly to the operating room program rather than going through the wards. Not really how I expected it. I feel like I’m gonna get sick when I go on duty. I can’t even eat well now after being at the wards for a day. I need to gain pounds not lose them.. I hope I can manage to keep myself up for the next months.

I’m hoping that I can find my way back to how I was years ago. Really moving my way through the patients and assisting them. I know a lot of people want to be in my place right now especially those who never made it in the exams. If you were in my situation, I know you would understand.

Dear Lord, please help me..